This week, I will open with the video and R. Yehonatan Yosef's own words. Afterward, I will add my thoughts.

​The rebbes of the classes I had from third grade and up tried to deal with us in many ways. We were thirty-five students, bursting with energy, who outsmarted the rebbes at every turned, and daily made the classroom into a circus. Threats did not stop us, slaps did not stop us. However, one very special rebbe, R. Frankel, greeted us with a smile, and forged a loving and emotional connection with us. (He did not have children for many years, which contributed to his genuine love for his students.)

I chose this story because I think that teachers can learn from it how to connect emotionally with their students – even problematic ones. It also seems to me that education is not just about transmitting material didactically, but, more than anything else, about building an emotional connection with the students – “like water reflects the face.”

This story brings to my mind several points - the most obvious being the need to relate to children according to their age, with all the mistakes, immaturity and problems that that entails. It also means giving children the space and time they need to grow up, as well as allowing them to grow into a life of Torah and mitzvos without too much pressure. The great posek, Rabbi Pinchas Sheinberg ztz”l, often spoke about letting children be children, and even mentioned how he, himself, had been an unruly kid.

I heard a short story from a friend of mine, which I would like to share. My friend has a son who recently turned fourteen. My friend came to realize that, more than a year after his son’s bar-mitzvah, the boy was still not observing certain mitzvos – birchas hamazon, tefillah, and even tefillin – at least, not with any consistency. My friend found himself constantly having to remind his son to do these things, and even then, hardly got the results that he expected. This made him tense, upset and even angry, which obviously didn’t help their relationship. At a certain point, my friend became concerned that his son was falling away from yiddishkeit – a thought that distressed him deeply and made him even more upset and impatient. (His reaction may sound extreme, but I don’t think it is unusual. I have seen it among many others with rebellious teenage children.)

One day, however, the father’s perspective changed. He suddenly realized that his son was not falling away from Torah; rather, he had not yet grown up to Torah. His aliyah to the Torah in shul was not reflected in an aliyah to the Torah in his life. In other words, his son had not yet become “bar-mitzvah” in the true sense of the word, which was to identify himself as someone who lives under the obligation of mitzvos.

This realization totally changed the situation. His son was not rebelling, as the father had feared; he simply needed more time to grow up. From then on, rather than dealing with him with strictness, the father related to him with patience and encouragement. Immediately, their relationship improved, and eventually, the boy began to be more careful with mitzvah observance, on his own.

One of the issues that continually arose in my class on “Emotional Intelligence in Torah Study” was the problem of the drop-out movement, or na’ar nosher, in Hebrew. Understandably, this is a major concern to Torah observant parents and teachers everywhere, and many people feel that a lack of an emotional connection, or even a negative emotional connection, at home or in school is one of the roots of this problem. In last week’s story, we saw how a simple non-judgmental connection between a Rebbe and a talmid could change a young person’s life for the better. Apparently this was something very missing for him in his life.

This is, however, not the only area where emotions play a role in study. In fact, in future blogs, I hope to discuss the many areas where emotions are crucial to Torah study, including such emotions as satisfaction, curiosity, motivation, engagement, joy, even anger – ritcha d’oraita. These are all positive emotions that are connected to study, which we ideally like to see manifest in our students. I hope that after the chagim, I will be able to post twice a week. Once, to discuss these issues on a theoretical and practical level, and the second time, to share real-life stories and videos of my friends, students or blog readers.

In the meantime, I want to share the following beautiful story of how having a connection to a tzadik (in this story, R. Shimon Biderman, the Lelover Rebbe ztz"l) can completely transform a person. R. Natanel Raphaeli, who tells the story below (in Hebrew), also derives an excellent lesson from it, which he applies to teachers and students. After hearing the story, members of the class mentioned various seforim that offer a deeper understanding of the Lelover Rebbe’s actions – such as the Rambam, the Baal Shem Tov, and R. Tzadok HaKohen of Lublin. If you would like to read or download these sources, please click here. (The sources are in Hebrew, if I get enough requests, I will translate them to English.)

The young man in this story was about to marry a non-Jew, and nothing his family or rabbis could say or do could convince him to do otherwise. Even a meeting with the famous R. Yisroel Grossman shlit”a, of Migdal Emek, had no effect on him. However, R. Grossman arranged a meeting between the young man and the Lelover Rebbe zt”l, one of the tzadikim of the last generation. What happened next is amazing!

Whoever hears this story wants to tell it to their friends. It contains many important lessons, such as never giving up hope, a Jew’s connection with am Yisroel, and the power of educating through kindness and gentleness. However, to my mind, the main message is the power of love and friendship to uplift a person’s soul.

To me, the main lesson is that when a teacher forms a bond of true friendship with his students, he can uplift them. By drawing them close to him, he opens inroads to their hearts, which will then be open to hearing the Torah’s holy teachings.

Practically speaking, it is important to speak casually with the students, and to be sincerely concerned with their interests. To develop a friendship through various activities, throughout the year, and to connect all the topics one teaches to their lives. These types of actions draw the student close to his teacher, his studies, and enables him form a true connection to Torah, which is filled with positive feelings and experiences.

Recently, in the summer of 2015, I taught a college course entitled "Emotional Intelligence: the role of emotions in Jewish and secular studies." The course was for Jewish educators, and my plan was to present some very deep teachings from the works of the great chasidic master, R. Tzadok HaKohen of Lublin. However, after discussing the topic with one of my students prior to the class, I decided to change my focus.

This particular student was a successful graduate of the Israeli, charedi yeshiva system, and currently a teacher at a well-known baal teshuva yeshiva in Jerusalem. Although he had excelled in his yeshiva studies, he repeatedly stressed that they had been devoid of emotional content. Torah study had been an intellectual challenge and a mental exercise at best, which had not engaged his heart and emotions. Furthermore, he stressed that many of his fellow students had experienced the same problem.

I raised this issue in class, and the discussions that we had, and the Torah sources that we found, became the new basis for the course.

It was slightly afterward that the idea for this blog arose. When we came to the end of the course,  I decided to try something new for a final assignment -- instead of the standard test or written essay. Rather, I invited each student to give a five minute presentation describing a significant learning experience he once had, either in the role of student or teacher, and then to write and reflect upon it. The point was to share meaningful and emotional learning experiences that reflected the topics we had been discussing -- and proved that they really could be done!

One of the students, R. Menachem Steinharter, told a personal story about a teenage boy he had been working with, who was on a steep downward path away from Judaism. No one seemed to be able to help him; neither his father, nor his rabbis. However, after learning about "emotional intelligence," R. Menachem tried a new approach: to speak with the young man openly, warmly, without expectations or judgment. What he discovered -- as he relates in the video below -- was that the young man's attitude drastically changed for the better. All because someone spoke to him from the heart.

It is a moving and encouraging story; however, I heard something in it that also upset me. 

How is it possible, I asked myself, that this simple approach -- to speak to a young person non-judgmentally, with love and acceptance -- should be so novel that one needs to learn it from a course or a book? Shouldn't this be one of the first approaches that an educator tries?

Obviously, taking that approach is not so simple, especially when it comes to our own children; for it's almost impossible to look at them without laying over them a screen of our own expectations and demands. I certainly don't blame the boy's parents, as I myself have gone through this with one of my own children, and I know how hard it is to adjust one's expectations. But what about the boy's rabbis? Were they so invested in the "system" that they also could not step back and see him for who he really was? To be honest, I did not speak to them, and so, my questions remain unanswered.

It was then that the idea of starting this blog occurred to me -- to find a format to begin addressing this topic, and to bring it to the attention of rabbis and educators. To collect, present and explain the numerous important sources that I have found on the centrality of emotions in education, and to share personal experiences through stories and videos. Much of the material presented here will be drawn from my classes, but I also welcome submissions from my readers, including stories, teachings, Torah sources and even videos. The point is simply to create a space where this important approach can be discussed and researched, as well as encouraged, on a theoretical, personal and practical level.

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What follows is the video of R. Menachem's final class presentation (in Hebrew), followed by his reflections on the incident. 

At the beginning of this year, when I started teaching a new class, I encountered a very difficult and painful situation. A gifted young student began falling drastically from his every connection to Torah. The situation became so bad that by the end of the year, nothing seemed to help, which obviously had serious, negative repercussions in his home. He would not join his family for the Shabbat meals, or even the Pesach Seder. At the end of the year, the school administration sadly informed his parents that he would not be able to return in the fall.

It was with real blessing, then, that I took the summer course in "Emotional Intelligence," at Michlalah College. I learned many new concepts and tools, which helped me change my approach. Thank G-d, in a very short time, with the simply application of the tools I learned on how one connects to one's emotions, the student began to feel that someone truly loved and appreciated him, and he began to improve in a remarkable way. He again sat with his family at the Shabbat table and went back to praying in synagogue. I received an emotional call from his father, who told me about all these positive developments.

I learned from this an important lesson: that if a student is to relate positively to his teacher, in order to work with him and learn from him, the teacher must show the student that he loves and understands him, with all his imperfections. This alone causes the child to want to improve, in order that the teacher will be proud of himself -- and that he will be proud of himself. It's incredible to see that a student can change so much, in such a short period of time, when one knows the correct approach to education. Of course, as my wife says, it's all with G-d's help. 

From the stories related by the other students in our course, I learned that when instructors do not believe in their charges, and constantly point out to them areas that they can improve, it actual causes the students to fail in their studies. However, when the teacher supports and believes in the students, and uplifts them, they can actually grow into true Torah Scholars.